My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
