I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
