Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
