turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
