fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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