I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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