Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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