I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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