last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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