I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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