Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
