i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
