I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
