I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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