I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
