Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
