I think scott just propositioned me for sex
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
