Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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