if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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