remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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