just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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