Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
