So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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