i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Randomize
