I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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