Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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