so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
