you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
