When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
