glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
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I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
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Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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