I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
