All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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