You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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