He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
