Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
