You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
