I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
