the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
