I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
