There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize