I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
