I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize