Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
