Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
