Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
