theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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