I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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