my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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