god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
