In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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