I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
