i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
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Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
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Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
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