can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
