There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
