i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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